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Avengers: Infinity War – Top 10 Fake Spoilers

In an attempt to release a movie so huge it’ll give each fan his very own heart attack, Disney has crammed every single hero from the Marvel Cinematic Universe into one (okay, two) giant film(s). To prepare for the only film with a call sheet longer than its running time, check out the following fake spoilers for Avengers: Infinity War

10 – Let’s admit it, it’s kind of nice to see a Hemsworth in pain.

9 - Thanos's primary motivation: Conquer the Universe. Secondary motivation?: Bedazzle his Gauntlet.
9 – Thanos’s primary motivation: Conquer the Universe.
Secondary motivation?: Bedazzle his Gauntlet.

8 - Only one of these three actors has a "I'm getting back end box office points" smile on their face. Can you guess who?
8 – Only one of these actors has a “I’m getting box office points” smile on his face. Can you guess which one?

7 - You know the drill, Ruffalo. You get 15 minutes of exposition in the sport coat then it's torn pants and green skin for the rest of the film.
7 – You know the drill, Ruffalo. You get 15 minutes in the sport coat then it’s torn pants and green skin for acts 2 & 3.

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Spinning New Tales from Old Ones

On the news that Disney will be releasing a Star Wars film every year for the foreseeable future bouncing back and forth between various lead characters, Drew Taylor over at Studio System News decided to list 11 characters from big Hollywood franchises that he thinks would make for worthy spin-offs in the never ending struggle to squeeze every last bit of life out of an idea.  While a couple of his choices seem worth exploring (Dutch from Predator and Q from the Bond films), I feel he’s reaching on most (The Worms from Men in Black and David from Prometheus) and there is no reason to.  There are plenty of much better characters to draw inspiration from.

 

I think these seven movie characters deserve their shot at the lead role. And as an added bonus, I’ll even use my excellent casting director skills to cast the roles.

1 & 2 –  Clemenza and Tessio from The Godfather I & II (1972, 1974)

This might seem sacrilegious as it would be poking fun at one of the most celebrated movie families, but hey it’s the mob – let’s have it.  I ain’t out to glorify the mafia so this would be a kind of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead comical thing.  The two long-time friends and underbosses to Vito Corleone fend for the family during the same time-frames as Godfather Parts I & II where certain scenes get to overlap.  Vincent D’Onofrio as Clemenza and Hugh Laurie as Tessio would make a perfect madcap match.

 

3 – Quint from Jaws (1975)

A prequel.  The young seaman is back from surviving the sinking of the ship that delivered the bomb in WWII and fighting off the sharks that terrorized the survivors.  Suffering from PTSD, he retreats to Amity Island to reconcile the demons and begin his revenge against the shark.  I’d give this part to Tom Hardy. (more…)

Hidden Movie Stars on the Food Network – Part I

Every few years movie stars are purported to have died – Not literally actors passing, as that’s just a fact of life. Rather the idea of a true blockbuster movie star. Many times it’s a just a quick overreaction to flops with big actors. Sometimes, it feels true. There was a point in time where you went to see movies because of the marquee names. Their participation was an instant vetting of the project and that the movie was worth the price of admission.

But at some point in time after Independence Day and before After Earth, we stopped caring about the actors and more about the stories. The audience starting craving stories. And because of that, the studios began to spend more time and energy developing original screenplays. comic books. And toys. And sequels. Especially trilogies with awesome packaging and glitter and shit. Yes, eventually big movie stars were replaced by BRANDS.

Brands are essentially marketing vehicles for printing large amounts of money. See the movie, buy the toys, eat the cereal and by the time you’ve grown tired of whatever the original idea was based on, the sequel comes out and starts the cycle over again. Children and Midwest residents are apparently the most susceptible to this cycle, which research analysts have redundantly described as the Cyclical Consumer Brand Cycle.

Could this man be the next Bond villain?
Could this man be the next Bond villain?

Okay, my tone makes it sound like I’m looking down on brands and money and the Midwest, but I’m not (I have friends from the Midwest, so calm down and I’m using a capital letter to describe it, which indicates a form of respect). I want everybody to make as much money possible.  Which is why I have a plan that enables the industry to create movie stars who with pre-existing conditions brands.

Enter the Food Network.

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